Permission to be Nothing.

I noticed today that I have yet again been avoiding emails in my inbox. The particular email that I have been avoiding is an exploration about Permission. I know that hiding, avoiding, isolating and pretending are usual strategies of mine for not being with a deep Truth seeking to emerge. I am being with every moment of avoidance I feel in the MML group as a metaphor for my life at large. So here I am with massive awareness coursing through my body, and I thought, what better time than this to write to all of you?

I wrote on our Telegram group that I have been having massive movement in my body in the form of headaches, sinus congestion, blocked ears, exhaustion in the body, and even a scratchiness in the throat. It's been going on for about 3 weeks now. I have been breathing, allowing and trusting my body to digest, and even trusting the amount of time it is taking. Trusting that I can't "do" as much as I would like to be doing and instead, focusing on just BEING with the body sensations. But I have also been aware at the core of all this allowing, there has been a deep gripping. To what, I don't know but in this moment it feels like gripping at the way things used to be for me. It's a really unique position to be in, to see life with new eyes, a perspective shift descending and a takeover of my Signal that started when I said YES to MML. And at the same time a constant gripping, pull back, of what if this isn't "it". What if I am kidding mySelf, what if it's not really happening and I'll fall flat on my face again? Because the story goes, everytime I have taken the leap, I was pulled down mid-leap and landed harder than before, making the climb back up, harder than before.

So I took a breath, and I listened, from the body. Oh. The 3 weeks of being "sick" has been because I have not been ACTUALLY giving myself PERMISSION to take the leap. So so interesting how it comes off in layers. First, I gave mySelf Permission to be in MML, then Permission to be part of the Telegram group, then Permission to leave a voice note and Permission to read the books, be on emails, listen to audio files. All metaphors for the layered nature of how permission was wired into my nervous system. Incremental, take a step, then look around for who is offended, angry, disinterested, happy, or ambivalent to my actions. Ok, then the next step and stop again. Start. Stop. Start. Stop. Fucking exhausting. I can claim in this moment that I no longer choose to compress my potential into itty bitty bites that make others comfortable. And others are not even people that exist in my reality in this moment. "Others" were mom (Ama), dad (Abu) and authority figures in general. It took me a moment to realize, they are not even here anymore, some of them are not even in this country, and some of them.....are not even on this earth anymore.

I have been a master at creating changes that no one will notice. The only problem is that I don't notice them either. Eventually the tiny steps blend into a drawn out reality where everything is just about the same as it always was, and I am left wondering, where is my most Meaningful Life? The one that I know is full of potential and full of abundance, and full of fullness itself? As I listened to my body I found that for me, Permission actually resides in the womb, the second chakra, the water element, the early family systems. This makes perfect sense for me because that is exactly where I learned what was possible for my life and what was not from people that had compressed their own potential into a ball of nothing. So I learned to become nothing. Nothing special. Nothing worth noting. I knew how to shine within the parameters of my culture. Smart, but not smarter than the men. Beautiful but not sexual. Independent but compliant. Perfect fodder for the marriage market, but utterly disempowering to a godForce that came here to be a Supernova.

And as I write this, I am aware that my headache has subsided, my sinuses are clear, my nose is no longer congested, my ears are open, my throat is soft, and I am breathing clearly and openly. Air is in flow, this time, choice point UP. This is a good moment. I feel the desire to surrender mySelf again and again and again to the body and immerse myself in its knowing. Its intelligence is divine and it has a design for my life.